April 15th

I have no interest in watching the memorials in Boston today.  I don’t want to read the retrospectives in the papers.  And most importantly, I don’t want to see the pictures and videos from the afternoon of April 15, 2013.  As a nightly news producer, these are tough demands. Right now, there are no fewer than six television monitors in my peripheral vision showing these very images.  I am sure I will have to show them tonight.

A few months back, a friend and fellow Boston Marathon runner sent me an advance copy of a book by the first newspaper reporters to arrive at the scene of the blasts.  When I got word it was in the mail, I looked forward to reading it.  I’m sure it’s a fantastic book by two excellent journalists.  But, once I saw the cover with its billowing smoke and panicked faces juxtaposed against the backdrop of one of my favorite sites in the world, I knew I didn't want to go any further.  Not now. 

I’m not saying that retrospect and reflection are not valid coping methods.  They just are not mine.  The truth is, for the past year, I have thought very little about the 117^th running of the Boston marathon instead focusing as much as possible on the 118^th running.  For me, the only way to cope with what happened last year is to move forward.  I loathe that you can’t mention the Boston Marathon without mentioning the words “terror”, “bombs” or “murder” in close proximity.  I detest that the actions of two young punks have come to define this day.

We can’t forget what happened.  We can’t forget the lives that were lost or the lives that were ruined.  But, we can reclaim the Boston Marathon.  What has the Boston Marathon been about since 1897?  It’s been about the power of the human body and the triumph of the human spirit. That’s what we will be celebrating Monday when one million people fearlessly line the streets from Hopkinton to Boston to cheer on 36,000 runners who aren’t afraid of the pain produced by running 26.2 miles in one stretch.  Crossing the finish line that day will end a painful chapter in what has for the last 118 years been a beautiful story. 

Boston with a Purpose

Since literally stopping in the middle of a run and deciding not to race the Boston Marathon more than a month ago, I have spent a lot of time thinking about how I would experience the race this year. With a non-refundable down payment already made on apartment near the finish line, not attending is not an option.  Even without the down payment, not attending is not an option.  Even though I am physically unable to race at the level I’d like, I’m going to attend in some other capacity to be part of what will undoubtedly be an historic one. 

Originally, I thought I’d spectate. Why not?  It’s a role just as important as the participants’.  Without the support of the massive crowds lining the streets from Hopkinton to Copley Square, the Boston Marathon is just a couple thousand crazy people going on a group run and clogging up traffic.  I also contemplated throwing myself into full work mode.  I could take pictures, tweet, field produce, whatever the mother ship needed.  Then, I remembered Allen Strickland.  I mean, I didn’t ever forget Allen Strickland.  He’s a pretty memorable dude.  But, I remembered he was running and for him, April 21^st was going to be an important day for two reasons.

Let’s go back to 2012.  After working his ass off to qualify, Allen, who’s excellent blog is appropriately titled “Allen’s Road to Boston”, had finally made it into the field.  He was in great shape and prepared to run a personal best.  What he and most of the other runners in the field were not prepared for was the heat and humidity.  The Reader’s Digest version is that Allen had a bad day.  The heat took its toll and Allen limped across the line, head hanging, in just over five hours. It’s a sad story of a man’s dream to conquer Boston being stolen by the one factor a marathon runner can’t control.   

That said, Allen’s official finisher’s photo is one of the most unintentionally hilarious things I've ever seen.  The juxtaposition of emotions happening here could not be more perfect. 

Also hilarious, an incident that happened to Allen late in the race.  His words:

“Somewhere very late in the race – I can’t be sure where as I was no longer coherent – a belligerent drunk girl angrily berated my fellow walkers and me.  “This is the Boston $%^&ing marathon, the greatest marathon in the world!  Show some respect and run!  Jog it out!!  Jog it the #$%! out!” 

I spent the day after that race recovering with Allen, and he could not have handled his misfortune better.  Allen has been able to laugh about a day that unarguably sucked from the get go.  Perhaps that’s why he formed Team JITFO; the acronym inspired by that drunk girl somewhere in Greater Boston.  On April 21^st, he’ll give the World’s Greatest Marathon another shot and he’s allowed me to run alongside him.  Allen’s goal is to set a personal best and if I can help in any way, it will make me feel like I went back to Boston with a purpose.  Granted, my running over the past month has been minimal, but I think I have enough fitness to keep Allen from having to revive me somewhere near Newton. 

Since I last posted, I've gone from being extremely depressed about my Boston decision to being extremely excited about experiencing Boston in a different way.  At least once on every run I think about how electric the atmosphere is going to be that weekend and about being a part of what is bound to be a day I will never forget.  So, thanks to Allen for letting me tag along.  If we get tired, we know what to do.  

Lesson Learned

I was eight miles in to what could have been an eight mile run or a long run last Sunday.  I was a half-mile from home and I had to decide whether to soldier on for another eight to nine miles, or call it a day.  My knee was tight and covered in KT tape.  My hamstring was covered in so much Tiger Balm I could smell it through my tights.  It was 21 degrees.  And as I stood there on the side of the road next to the Erie Canal in Newark, I reached a catharsis that would have been obvious to any impartial observer.  Not only was it time to call it a day.  It was time to stop training for the Boston Marathon.

The possibility had been in my head for weeks.  From January to February, I gradually got to a point where the idea of running and racing was still thrilling, but the actual act of running was dreadful.  Out of seven weekly runs totaling in the neighborhood of 80 miles, it was a good week if one of them felt good.  Most of them felt clunky.  Some of them felt downright terrible.  On the latter type of runs, I would come back and tell Lauren that if I had one more run like that, I was going to pull the plug on Boston.  The next day, I would feel just good enough to expunge that thought.  This happened no fewer than five times.

Now that I have had a week to reflect upon, regret and then reaffirm this decision, it's pretty clear that I never should have signed up for this race in the first place.  The first thing -- literally the first thing -- I said when I crossed the finish line of the 2013 Boston Marathon was "that's enough of that for a while."  I said it to myself, but I said it out loud. I was exhausted in a way I have never been exhausted before.  It was almost like an out-of-body experience. Two days later when President Obama gave a rousing speech in Boston as I listened outside the building, I did a complete 180, letting the emotions of what happened on April 16th cloud my common sense.

I had started to get sick and developed chronic insomnia before the 2013 race.  By race day, I was sleeping an average of three to four hours a night and was only scratching the surface of what might be wrong with my body.  The race just added extra stress to a system that was already at capacity.  I ran a half-way decent half marathon five weeks later for God-knows why.  Then, I ran a couple of sub-par five mile races in Central Park before spending the rest of 2013 running what I believed to be a reduced volume and intensity.  I put getting my body healthy and training myself to sleep without anxiety at the top of my priority list and actually started cracking the mystery in the early fall.  It was hard, costly, frustrating work.

By December, everything was back to normal and I was feeling strong and determined again.  I raced a couple of low key five milers, finishing second in one and winning the other and a 15K in the bitter wind and snow during which I raced my heart out with two local runners who are generally in my wheelhouse when I'm in good shape.   At that is where the pendulum starts to go back in the opposite direction.

In early January, my knee flared up randomly forcing me to take a week off.  I bounced back quickly and was running 80 miles a week and hitting the time goals of all my workouts.  But, if I am honest with myself, I rarely felt like I was firing on all cylinders.  Something about my stride and my effort wasn't right, but I can't quite pinpoint what it was. On top of that, this winter has been soul crushing.  I grew up with brutal winters, but I have never attempted to train through a winter as relentless as this one. After a 22 mile run on the course in Boston in early February, my left hamstring and left foot bothered me and that quickly caused my knee problems to return.  I took another three days off and was back at it again.  After that, the knee hurt 75% of the time.  It never returned to a point where running was impossible, but it sure did a good job of sucking all the joy out of it.  Worse than that, if I did a hard workout, I would spend the rest of the night unable to sit or keep my knee bent for long periods of time because it was unbelievably uncomfortable. 

Mendon Ponds County Park is where I did my first "long run" as a teenager. This winter, I slogged through a long run there for the first time in 12 years.  During my run, the Regional Snow Shoe Racing Championship was going on. 

In the end, I just decided I didn't want to do that for six more weeks.  Could I have toughed it out and raced Boston?  Most likely, yes.  But, it would only have been a memorable experience for how much it sucked.  I also started to think long term.  If I pushed my body to Boston when it clearly didn't want to go, how much more damage would I do?  I love running.  It is not my exercise.  It's my therapy.  It's my church.  To say it's a big part of who I am would be an understatement. Do I want to risk all that to settle some sort of emotional vendetta?   I want to be running and racing 20 years from now.  But, only smart runners get to be lifelong runners.  Runners who don't listen become triathletes.  (just kidding!  Making sure my tri friends are paying attention).  I went to great lengths to get healthy again and it was working, but after nearly a year of health issues, I don't think I gave my body enough time to recover to a point where it could handle such intensity.

I have great training partners in New York who are going to demolish Boston, hills be damned.  I have a coach that I believe is probably the best kept secret in marathon running.  Those are the people who indirectly made this decision way harder.  That's a good thing.  I didn't want to stop training with them and working under Terry's guidance.  They made it easy to forget about the pain because the camaraderie was so much fun. 

I can't not be in Boston on April 21st.  I will be there, but in what capacity I don't know yet.  I've thought of running it for fun and taking it all in if my knee is better after a prolonged rest.  I've thought of working.  I've thought of being at the finish line.  I have some time to make that decision.  What is going to be amazing about Boston this year is the show of force from everyone who comes out on race day.  From the runners to the spectators, we all play an important role in being Boston Strong.  I plan to play my part.

I stopped writing about running in this blog months ago because I was afraid it was getting too negative.  Hindsight again being what it is, that feeling is something I probably should have addressed more carefully.  So, I hope this post doesn't come off negative.  I'm bummed about not racing next month, no doubt, but at this very moment, I am filled with optimism.  Even after a week of complete rest, I feel like a different person.  I can only imagine what I will feel like after at least two more weeks of complete rest.  It's something I haven't done in seven years.  The focus is on the summer and the fall and running fun, fast races.  But, I don't see any marathons in my near future.

Better Late than Never. The Annual Oscars Blog

The stars are already in their seats at the Dolby Theater in Hollywood.  The envelopes are stuffed and I am just finishing the last of the nine movies nominated for “Best Picture” at this year’s Academy Awards.  I’ve never put out my annual Oscar blog even remotely this close to the deadline.  Perhaps my tardiness stems from a lack of investment in this year’s ceremony.  Last year, I was on the red carpet, covering the awards.  This year, I will be watching on my couch. Both have their pluses. But, I think the bulk of my procrastination is because of how disappointing this year’s nominees are.  There were only two movies I really loved.  I liked/was truly entertained by a handful and I only hated one, but this year’s Oscars are really about some fantastic performances in mediocre movies. On that note, unlike year’s past, I am missing one “Best Actress” nomination.  I could not bring myself to watch “August: Osage County”.  I could be way off, but it just seems like a bunch of actors sitting around a table trying to out-act each other.  I don’t know if I could stomach two hours of a movie that’s entire goal was to generate Oscar nominations.  Meryl Streep is the greatest actress of our generation, blah blah blah. I get it.  I’m confident without seeing the movie that award belongs to someone else anyway.  But, I digress…

Movie(s) I loved:

Her – When I saw the preview for this movie, I was pretty sure it was going to be terrible.  Maybe low expectations are what propelled “Her” to the top of the list for me.  But, “Her” is not about a man falling in love with the operating system on his phone.  It’s about so much more than that.  It articulates the state of modern human relationships, between both friends and lovers in a way that’s undeniably true without being preachy.   “Her” is deep and thought provoking.  Lauren and I watched it on a train and despite the less-than-optimal viewing conditions I was completely drawn in.  I know it’s a tired comparison, but if like me, you think “Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind” is one of the best movies of the past 10 years, you’ll appreciate this movie.

Wolf of Wall Street – I don’t know what it says about me that two years in a row I have loved the movie most people found too crass and offensive ("Djiango Unchained" last year).  It’s true, this movie was an hour too long, but it was funny in ways that it shouldn’t have been and it was packed with awesome performances.  Say what you will about Jonah Hill, but he can back up his newfound swagger with this role.  Other than Barkhad Abdi in “Captain Philips”, his was the most visible of the Best Supporting Actor nominees. What I loved most about this movie was that it changed between hilarious and despicable at the drop of a hat.  As I’ll detail below, there were a lot of “true stories” that strayed from the facts.  This one didn’t seem to go down that road.

Movies I liked:

Nebraska – If I had a category called “Movies I REALLY Liked”, “Nebraska” would be in it.  I can’t say I genuinely loved it, but I came close.  I thought the black and white thing was going to be gimmicky, but when you watch this movie it makes sense. It’s the characters that are colorful and complex.  Their backdrop is boring and bland.  Bruce Dern would win Best Actor almost any other year (more on that later) with his character of a drunk, absentee and borderline abusive husband and father that you for some reason feel bad for.  Will Forte who I hated on “Saturday Night Live”…hated…is excellent in the role of a son trying to solidify some sort of relationship with his father before it’s too late.  There is a lot of Jonathan Franzen-esque dysfunction in the family profiled in “Nebraska”, but unlike Franzen characters, I like and therefore, care about these people.

Philomena – When I finished watching “Philomena”, I put it in the “Movies I Loved” category with “Her”.  Then, I researched it.  I loved this movie because the story was so compelling.  There was a heartbreaking narrative that concluded with a satisfying redemption.  Unfortunately, a chunk of that satisfying redemption is dramatic license.  It didn’t really happen.  I think if you are going to make a true story, tell the real story.  Finding out that my favorite scene of this movie never really happened was disappointing.  Had the scene not been in the movie at all and the true story been told, “Philomena” likely would have been at the top of my list.

Captain Phillips – If I were just judging the last 15 minutes of a movie, “Captain Phillips”, it wins best picture.  It’s as intense as “Gravity” and “12 Years a Slave” for that final sequence.  What I loved about this movie is that it doesn’t get bogged down with backstory.  It provided me with just enough context to know that Captain Phillips character is a husband and the hijackers are desperate people doing the only thing they can do to make money and stay alive.  Then, it moved on to the action.  But, this movie lost points for the same reason as “Philomena”.  According to almost every other crewmember of the Maersk Alabama, the real Captain Phillips was much more responsible for steering the ship into pirate waters than this movie shows.  Would including that make the movie’s final scenes any less climactic?  I don’t think so.  I do however, think Tom Hanks was phenomenal in this role (full disclosure: I’m a big Tom Hanks fan, but this is one of his best performances) and deserved a nomination.

Dallas Buyers Club – Looking for a theme amongst this year’s nominees?  “Dallas Buyers Club” joins “Captain Phillips” and “Philomena” as true stories that aren’t really true.  Matthew McConaughey solidifies his acting credentials as a sickly-looking AIDS patient in what I think is his best role (other than “True Detective”) and the performance of the year.  But, his character’s transformation from homophobe to best friend of a transgender woman didn’t happen in real life.  Ron Woodruff was apparently bi-sexual.  Why wasn’t that the story?  Still, this is a very good movie with very strong performances.  I saw it months ago, so forgive my forgetfulness. 

American Hustle – I had a blast watching this movie.  The dialogue is witty.  It nails the cheesiness of the 70s.  It’s music is foot tapping.  The actors shine.  The problem with “American Hustle” is that it’s not memorable.  I could tell you very little about this movie today.  Christian Bale sports a so-bad-it’s-good comb over.  Jennifer Lawrence cleans the house and dances wildly as “Live and Let Die” blasts on the stereo.  Amy Adams sexes it up.  No spoilers there. Those are all things you can glean from this movie by watching the trailer.  As I said, this was a good movie.  But, it pales in comparison to David O. Russell’s last movie, “Silver Linings Playbook” and I am not really sure it’s deserving of the multitude of nominations it received.

Gravity – “Gravity” is the only nominee I saw twice.  It’s intensely beautiful on the big screen and would lose 90% of its awesomeness once you put it in a personal DVD player.  If you haven’t seen it and it’s not in a theater, don’t bother.   “Gravity” is a cinematic masterpiece.  With a nod to “Avatar”, it is THE cinematic masterpiece of the decade.  But, amazing screenplay it is not.  There are some very cheesy lines in this movie that are wholly unnecessary.  There’s an entire subplot involving Sandra Bullock’s character that I think was included to make me care more about her eventual fate.  But, I already care about her eventual fate.  She is a human being stuck in space without a way back to Earth.  It’s a race against the clock.  That is enough to make me care.  The dialogue is an attempt to tug on heartstrings that are already pretty taught. 

12 Years a Slave – It’s hard to say I loved this movie because it is so incredibly hard to watch.  This is not a film made to entertain.  In fact, I had a hard time setting aside an evening to watch this movie because I knew what I was in for was work.  There are some scenes in “12 Years a Slave” that are absolutely gut-wrenching.  The scene everyone talks about is the one in which the main character is nearly hanged.  Its notoriousness is not without warrant.  It goes on for way too long, which is undoubtedly Steve McQueen’s intent.  There is a man gasping for air with a noose around his neck and behind him everyone, black and white, are going about their daily lives as if he’s not even there.  “12 Years a Slave” is an important movie.  There’s a reason it’s going to end up on the curriculum of many schools’ history courses.  But sometimes it’s subtly is not subtle at all.  There are a lot of metaphors in this movie that slap you in the face.  Watch it.  Even if you don’t have a keen eye for that sort of thing, you’ll see it.

Movie(s) I hated:

Blue Jasmine – I’m going to say something I have been thinking for a long time now.  Last year, it would have been blasphemy.  This year, it’s almost cliché because of the whole Dylan Farrow controversy.  But, I don’t like Woody Allen.  I keep thinking maybe I just don’t get it, and maybe that’s the case. That’s enough reason for me not to like a filmmaker right?  I have tried really hard to enjoy Allen’s movies, but the last two years, his movies have been the ones I have found to be the biggest waste of my time.  Blue Jasmine is not funny.  It’s not entertaining.  It’s not important.  It’s not even sad.  It’s just a bunch of insufferable characters ruining each other’s lives.   Much like in “Midnight in Paris”, the only remotely likeable character in “Blue Jasmine” is too stupid for her own good making even her hard to root for.  My hatred of this movie aside, Cate Blanchett is awesome in it.  I hate her character and I don’t give a damn what happens to her, but she owns it. 

Best Supporting Actor:

Who Should Win: Barkhad Abdi (Captain Phillips)

Who Will Win: Jared Leto (Dallas Buyers Club).  It’s a good performance, but not a lot of screen time.  He’ll win because the Academy loves men playing women and visa versa.

 

Best Supporting Actress

Who Should Win: Lupita Nyong’o (12 Years a Slave)

Who Will Win: Jennifer Lawrence (American Hustle)  For all its nominations, I think this will be the only award “American Hustle” will get

Best Actor

Who Should Win: Matthew McConaughey (Dallas Buyers Club)

Who Will Win: Matthew McConaughey (Dallas Buyers Club)  I’d say Leonardo DiCaprio could be a surprise, but he’s not a favorite with the voters.

Best Actress

Who Should Win: Cate Blanchett (Blue Jasmine)

Who Will Win: Cate Blanchett (Blue Jasmine)  The Woody Allen controversy has not hurt her chances.

Best Picture
What Should Win: Gravity

What Will Win: 12 Years a Slave.  I was torn, but if the category is “Best Picture”, “Gravity” wins.  It is simply on a whole different level of film making than its competitors.  But, I think the Academy will make a statement with “12 Years a Slave”.

America's Next Sock Model & Other Musings on a Quiet Fall

I was subtly reminded over the weekend that I have fallen a bit behind on keeping up my blog ("Your blog sucks," --Meagan Nedlo.  Oh yeah, Meagan?  Well, spell check suggests I change your last name to "noodle".).  It was the kick in the pants I needed to write an entry despite not being even slightly motivated to do so.

That has really been the theme as it relates to activities other than family, work and fantasy football lately. Although, the fantasy football part is not going all that great.   That sort of lackadaisicalness or perhaps hyper-focus on what is the most important right now has had the most impact on my running and my writing.  I haven't thought much about either lately in hopes that time away will re-ignite some passions.

The most important update since my last update is that things in general are a lot better than they were. I never count my chickens (or is it eggs I should be counting?), but the health issues that plagued me since February seem to be resolving.  Monthly blood tests have shown levels nearing normal and sleep is no longer a chore.  I can't say 100% for sure that it's the new gluten-free diet that's lead to all the positive changes, but if it's not, it's one heck of a coincidence. Plus, I've really learned to love hard cider (served like beer, made like wine), and I don't miss bread all that much, so I think I'll stick with it. Cookies are tough though.  Real tough because cookies are EVERYWHERE.  Cookie dough ice cream? Out! Cookie cake?  Don't even think about it.

During my hiatus, I turned 30.  That was terrifying.  You can use your 20s as an excuse for all sorts of immature actions and naivety.  "Did I forget to pay the electric bill 4 months in a row?  Oh, 20s..."  Your 30s?  Not so much.  Plus, 30 is the age where the internet tells me bad things will start to happen to me.  My metabolism will slow down, my body will heal slower, I'll creak when I walk.  It's when a myriad of terminal and chronic diseases show up.  But regardless of all that,  my 30th birthday was pretty special.  My family and many of my closest friends came out to celebrate and I decided growing old won't be so bad with so many awesome people in my life.

With Dad, Mom and Lauren at the 30th birthday dinner

With the exception of some stubborn tendinitis in my left hamstring, running feels nearly natural again.  I've kept my promise and done only easy running since the Autism Speaks 4 Miler in early September.  It's allowed me to be completely flexible with when I run or who I run with.  I'm coaching Lauren for next week's New York City Marathon and I've been able to sneak in some runs with her here and there.  Like last year, I'm trying to ensure that Lauren's running takes priority over mine as she prepares for her big race.

Yesterday, after a beautiful long run on the Chessie Trail in Lexington, Virginia where we had traveled for Lauren's 10 year college reunion, I started thinking seriously about Boston and how I'd approach it this year.  That required some reflection on what worked and what didn't work last year.  There's a lot more that didn't work than did.  First of all, I'm not very good at coaching myself.  It's self-motivation that's my problem.  I don't lack it.  I have too much of it.  I push through workouts I shouldn't be doing and run too far and too fast on easy days.  I want to make the most of this upcoming Boston experience and it's going to take someone who's smarter than me to make that happen.  So, that's step one.

Secondly, I started training way too early.  With an 18 week training program, I was probably ready to run a great marathon in mid to late February.  Instead, I had six weeks left with which to get sick, completely flame out and run a mediocre marathon.  This year, come December, I plan to be running a little bit harder than I am now, but it will be more of a transitional phase building a base for a 12 week program that starts in 2014.
On a completely separate note, I'd like to talk about my new leg modeling career.  I was halfway through a post-work, pre-bed nightcap when I got an email from a co-worker saying her neighbor, a photographer, needed runners legs.  Flattered and not at all creeped out, I told her I was interested.  The deal was $300 to model compression socks for a very well-known sporting apparel company.  I arrived at the studio in the East Village not really sure what to expect.  I pulled on the first pair of socks and the photographer and I immediately both knew we had a problem.  My leg hair was sticking out of the tight socks and was sure to show up on camera. I didn't want to lose $300, so I asked for a razor, went into the bathroom and shaved my left calf bald.  The rest of the shoot consisted of me hanging my left foot into space to recreate various stages of running.  Now,  I only look mildly ridiculous with one half of one hairless leg.  Contrary to what I have been lead to believe by  many a hairless cyclist, I have not noticed any aerodynamic advantage.

I'm not sure if I'll be contacted for any modeling gigs, or if any photographer is interested in shooting me from the calf up (probably not), but for now I don't think I'll quit my job and/or hire an agent and move to LA.

By the way, when I'm not blogging, I'm not reading blogs either, so if you announced an engagement, pregnancy, job change, sex change, etc. on your blog recently, I missed it.  So, congratulations on getting married, being a parent, your promotion and/or your new gender.

After months of hell, you can only hope that the answer is as easy as giving up beer.

To say that 2013 has been a bad year would be unfair.  I have met a lot of great people and learned so much about being married, living in New York City and producing TV news and I have forgotten half of it.  Instead, I'll call it puzzling.

Looking back at my last few posts, they have all addressed my ongoing health troubles.  They continue.  Every once in a while I'll have a run that doesn't feel terrible, or even a week where I start to feel like myself again, but one step forward almost always is followed by two steps back.  This has been going on for six months.  Through it all, I've had blood tests, brain scans, bone scans, seen an endocrinologist, seen a gastroenterologist, taken breaks from running, drastically reduced running, adopted a consistent work schedule, cut back on sugar, cut back on coffee, increased my iron intake, been medicated, been un-medicated, been re-medicated, and the the list goes on.  All of it with the same result which is no result.  We've ruled out brain tumors, thyroid problems, cancer, etc (all things doctors hypothesized, by the way).  But,  my blood levels are still far from normal.  My bones are still far from strong.  My sleep is still far from adequate.  My running has at the best plateaued, but I think it would be more accurate to say it has suffered greatly, which is of course, the least of my worries.

At my monthly check-in yesterday, I was ending my visit with an acupuncture treatment when the doctor came back into the room in the middle of my relaxation.  She had a lightbulb.  I either have Celiac's disease  or a severe gluten intolerance.  We talked about the signs and symptoms and it all made sense.  It's a hard condition to diagnose because the symptoms themselves are indicative of so many other issues, hence all the other tests.  People often have a lifelong "sensitive stomach."  I do, but I have always just written it off as a minor inconvenience.  The onset of the serious rejection is often marked by increased anxiety (re:insomnia) and as it develops you essentially become malnourished as your body stops absorbing nutrients.  That of course, comes with it's own subset of consequences; fatigue, malaise, fogginess, irritability to name a few of the fun ones.  I eat around the clock.  I would say I eat double the recommended amount of fruits and vegetables every day and I go to great lengths to ensure I get everything my body needs. I take supplements for things like Vitamin B, D and calcium just in case. There is no other way I could be malnourished unless something was wrong internally.

Now for the next test.  Monday, I'll have a blood test to check for antibodies consistent with gluten intolerance.  If the evidence continues to point in that direction, they'll put a tube down my throat which sounds like great fun for someone with a sensitive gag reflex.  But, I hope it's the gluten.  I really do.  I don't love the prospect of giving up breads, beer and cereal (although a quick Google search told me that both Guinness and Fruity Pebbles are OK), but at this point there isn't much I wouldn't give up to end what has been a nightmare.

Beer, no matter how delicious, is probably not in my future

I'll admit, I've been skeptical of the anti-gluten movement.  I've even written it off as a fad at times, but I know too many people who have had drastic transformations by eliminating it from their diet.   In the meantime, I think I am done racing for awhile.  This season just never got off the ground.  Since Boston, I haven't been proud of any workout or any race.  It turns out, it's incredibly difficult to run fast and hard in this state.  I am working way too hard for results that are well below expectations.  I don't see a point in towing the line if I can't run at the level I know I am capable of. The hope is that after a couple of months of recreational running and adjusting to a new way of eating, I'll feel like 1983-2012 Jay again.

Lauren told me the other day that I was a different person than I used to be, and she is right.  Worse than the impact on running, worse than the lack of sleep is that I feel withdrawn and pessimistic and that's not who I am or have ever been.  It's also not fair to the people who have to deal with me every day.  Furthermore, I'm sick of writing blog entries about this crap.  Time to take drastic measures, make sacrifices and hopefully end this year heading in the right direction.

Blogging about a break and about being broken

It's been a month since my self-imposed break from running, and even though I don't feel particularly motivated to write, I am afraid I'll lose the 2 or 3 regular readers I still have if I stay away from this blog any longer (Hi Mom!).

I don't remember the last time I took two weeks off from training and was actually serious about it.  Even when I lived in Syracuse and beer and burgers took precedent over running, my belly and I were still getting out there at least four times a week. 

But since I am always telling people to listen to their bodies and not ignore obvious signals, I knew I had to practice what I preach and truly shut it down.  For me, that meant no running, no ridiculously long elliptical sessions, no spin classes, no swimming (or what I call, swimming.  Most call it "not drowning").  For an entire fortnight, I didn't exercise.  I took a few yoga classes that focused more on relaxing than on breaking a sweat, walked the dog around the block a few times and didn't change my diet.

I used my downtime to analyze how I got where I was.  Why was my body turning on me now after years of running high mileage and high intensity while working long and often odd hours?   Once I identified the problems (anxiety, lack of sleep, holes in my diet), I began looking for ways to fix them. Since giving up hard training is not an option yet, I accepted that I had to make some lifestyle changes if I wanted to keep running competitively.  Running wasn't causing the problems, but in the situation I found myself in, it was contributing to them.

The first problem I had to tackle was my ongoing struggle with insomnia.  I don't know what started it all back in February, but I believe it was the beginning of the downward spiral.  If you have ever had insomnia, you know how it goes.  You can't sleep, so you worry about being able to fall asleep which in turn, causes your mind to race, therefore keeping you up even longer.  After a couple of nights of this, the mere thought of bedtime itself becomes a source of stress.  It's torture.

I got into a real bad place trying every method possible to cure my insomnia.  Teas turned into pills from the health foods store which turned into pills from the pharmacy.  You don't want to see my medicine cabinet.  I could knock out a elephant.  Here's the problem with sleeping drugs: You aren't getting quality sleep when you use them.  It's fake sleep.  I didn't sleep without some sort of sleep aid for more than four months. During that time, I rarely got REM sleep which is when the body produces the chemicals and hormones it needs to function properly.  Thus, the disastrous blood tests that scared me into making my health my only priority. 

A good friend who knows a lot about sleep told me the drugs were only going to exacerbate the problem, so one night at the very beginning of the break I quit them cold turkey.  Before I did that, I had to summon up courage and confidence in my ability to sleep naturally.  I decided if I couldn't sleep, I'd get up and do something until I was tired.  I accepted the fact that I might go days without sleeping before this deeply-dug hole was filled.  I practiced nightly meditation.  I eliminated the computer and the television in the hour before sleep (this is difficult since my job consists of putting things on television).  I bought a face mask and ear plugs to eliminate the lights and noise of living in the middle of Manhattan.  Ya know that whole "city that never sleeps" thing?  There's truth to it.

So far, it has worked.  I sleep soundly most nights and am gradually feeling more like myself again.  I really didn't know how bad it gotten until I experienced "normal" again.  While, I have yet to get follow-up blood tests, I can tell that I am a different person.

Fourteen days is a long time for an addict like me.  By the end of my detox, I was itching to get back out there again. While you don't lose a ton of fitness over the span of two weeks, you can't just pick up where you left off.  My first run back was spent running alongside Lauren in a 5K race in Brooklyn.  I followed it up with two weeks of easy running with no stress workouts.

At the top of Conejos Peak in Colorado

The final piece of the puzzle was a week-long vacation to Colorado last week with Lauren and her family.  In the middle of the mountains with no cell service and barely any internet connection, I was forced to disconnect from the world for the first time in months.  I could actually feel the tension release.  A tight spot in between my shoulder blades where my stress gathers relaxed and I think I grew a couple of inches as a result.  I ran free and easy at 8,000 feet elevation every day with no watch and no preplanned route.  Sometimes, when the view was particularly pretty, I stopped and just took it all in.  It was all quite cathartic. 

Home again, I expect the anxiety will return, which is just unfortunately, how I am wired.  But, I'm armed with new weapons with which to fight it and a fresh knowledge of what I have to do to keep myself healthy and strong.  Next week, I'll hit the track for some light speedwork and then see how I race at Team Championships on Saturday.  I'm not expecting a PR, but it will be a good fitness test in the build up to the Philadelphia Half in September.  Refreshed, rejuvenated, relieved.  This is a new starting line.